Monday, August 11, 2008

I am Jack's anxiety

So I'm waiting for Jacob to get here; he's visiting for the week and he called a little while ago to say he had landed at JFK and was on the way. Now, anyone who knows me knows my feelings regarding this kid are complicated. I definitely still have feelings for him, but at the same time I know that he's hardly the ideal match for me; it's just that old habits die hard, I guess. A couple weeks ago I had this big "revelation" (thanks in large part to Ashley) that no matter how much Jacob changes-- and to be sure, he's changed a lot since we met a year ago-- he'll never be the kind of guy I need, not in a relationship, anyway. And I thought this would finally help me move on and let go and yada yada yada, but now that he's coming I'm not so sure. I guess I'm afraid that old feelings are going to overwhelm me and make me all lovelorn and moody. It's like my head and my heart are two very separate entities and one is not listening to the other! But really, I think this week is going to be good for us and perhaps the realities of what our relationship is now, as opposed to what it was or I might wish it is will help me really and truly move on, after all. I think this visit will be good for both of us. Maybe I can finally snap out of it and realize that Mr. Right is still out there-- I just have to keep the faith.

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