A Tony nominee watches "Viva Hollywood"!

Time Out New York interviews In the Heights creator Lin-Manuel Miranda (whose show is the most-nominated at this year's Tony Awards) in this week's issue. When asked what he does outside of theater, he replies, "Any extra time I have I spend playing Grand Theft Auto or watching Viva Hollywood." The poor deprived writer has never heard of the show, so Miranda explains it thusly: "It's the VH1 search for the next telenovela star. All the stereotypes! It sets our people back 40 years. But given that Flavor of Love sets black people back and Rock of Love sets white people back, I guess it's our turn." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Viva Hollywood Update: The best man won!

Ever since Viva Hollywood's hunky Berto gamely played gay while simultaneously soothing the nerves of closet-y drama queen Vinci, he's been my favorite to win the challenge. Berto's a real gentleman who possesses true acting skills as well as clever strategy. His nice guy attitude has endeared him to most of the contestants-- especially the ladies-- while allowing him to pass through episode after episode without once being sent to one of the closing duels. About the only bad thing that can be said about him is that he's a bit of a player, flirting with many of the women on the show while purportedly having a girlfriend back home. "What's [she] gonna think when she sees you in bed with those two whores?" guest Perez Hilton asked on one of the last episodes. It should be noted that Hilton pushed Berto's homo-tolerance by the limit by offering to let the other man spank him. (I'll allow this since Hilton pushes my homo-tolerance to the limit sometimes.) But when it came to acting chops, Berto consistently delivered with compelling performances-- especially compared to the frequently amateurish work of his wannabe competitors. In the end, it came down to him, spunky Bronx girl Jenn Pinto, and bitchy blonde Gisel. After a silly final challenge in which the three played each other-- and Gisel's Jenn makeup made her look like a trannie wicked witch-- the judges eliminated Gisel, whose performance was the weakest (and whose antics in the house always demonstrated her whininess and inability to work with others). Jenn and Berto went head to head in a final duel, where Berto finally let loose the beast within. The two were also questioned by past contestants, notably Gisel, who asked Berto if his seeming feelings for her were mere strategy. (He told Hilton it was all part of the game. But he told Gisele they were the real deal. A white lie? Discuss.) In the end, hosts Maria Conchita and Carlos Ponce-- after one last booze-soaked deliberation-- asked Jenn and Berto to open the boxes in front of them. Jenn's contained the Death card, whereas Berto's had the Mask from the show's extremely silly (and brilliant) "Massacre of the Masks" elimination device-- meaning he was the winner. While I wouldn't have minded seeing Berto at whatever bar he worked at in New York, I'm happy for his sake that he won't have to go back to it. Maybe I'll try and learn Spanish so I can watch him on Telemundo. Congrats, Berto!

Viva Hollywood: Me thinks the lady doth protest too much

Last night I caught the second episode of "the greatest show in the history of reality television," VH1's Viva Hollywood. It had more of what made me love the premiere so much: copious amounts of eye candy, bad acting, and brilliant cheese. This week's Deadly Sin was "Lust," so first off the contestants were ambushed by a yoga lesson that they were encouraged to do... in the nude. First the male instructor stripped down, his naughty bits covered up by a giant cartoon sombrero. Then a few of the guys followed suit, and while we couldn't see any of their naughty bits, either (more sombreros), it was still kind of hot to watch. To quote Vinci (above), I almost wished I were "watching TV, you know... by myself." The only girl to bare all was Jenn, and the poor thing endured no small amount of taunting from the other women. Gisel, that bitch, took the opportunity to hurl insults at her along with all the others; no one seemed to acknowledge the fact that they had all been told to do this, yet were all too chicken to do so. Next up, two telenovela stars came on to coach the contestants on their love scene challenge. Last week's winner, Roseny (the one who insulted the famous star she won dinner with) got to pair up the others, and she threw in some nice wrenches: Gisel was matched up with Janet for a lesbian scene, while macho guys Berto and Vinci were paired for a gay one. While Gisel was stymied, her reaction was nothing compared to Vinci's: he promptly threw a fit, started crying, and stalked off to his room to start packing. While the others trained for their scenes, Berto was stuck trying to coax Vinci out of his room. "Come out!" he cried, which made me happy to no end. The guest trainers attempted to reason with him as well. While Berto was willing to do the scene, since it's an acting challenge, Vinci was throwing a baby-ish fit. All of it seemed to indicate someone who's not at all secure in his sexuality. (Earlier Vinci had also noted his discomfort with doing yoga so close to the naked Enrique, who seems to be gay himself.) While Vinci did agree to do the scene, he insisted on changing the script, ostensibly to "show his acting skills" but in truth to remove any kissing or excessive touching. Ultimately, the "love scene" basically amounted to Berto's character coming on to his friend and being gently rebuffed; at the end, they hugged and Vinci gave him a superficial pat on the back. It's too bad, cause both guys have great bodies and played the scene in shorts and towels, all sweaty-- so if they made out it might have been fun to watch... you know... by myself. Meanwhile, prudish Gisel suggested she and Janet get liquored up to practice their love scene; Kalain continued to demonstrate his lack of any acting talent whatsoever as he mumbled, "Your husband will be home any minute"; and Roseny regretted choosing Geovannie as her scene partner, since he became extremely hands-y during rehearsals and filming. I was irritated by this last bit myself, since a few of my girlfriends have suffered similarly unpleasant situations. In the end, Berto won the challenge, which made me happy; he turned in a great performance as the gay friend, and he'd also had to put up with more crap than any of the others. Still, when he won a $10,000 shopping spree and was given the option to share it with someone, he picked Vinci. I would have smacked the goon for what he put me through, but it does seem to have been a calculated move on Berto's part, since he was heard commenting that "I know this will make me look good." I think I may have found someone to root for. Meanwhile, Alexcy was chosen as the loser, and while he wasn't stellar, I would have picked the emotionless Janet, who was actually praised for her wooden performance. (Maybe because it was somehow an improvement over her losing one last week?) The housemates deliberated and went to the chapel to pick Alexcy's duel mate (where many of them had decided to vote for Geovannie in some sort of strategery). Vinci got his share of votes, too; if you ask me, he should have been the landslide "winner." In any case, Alexcy and Geovannie's face-off was not nearly as dramatic as the sob fest between Jaimny and Janet the previous week. Alexcy acted all cocky and went on about his star quality, while Geovannie resorted to lots of big hand gestures. In the end, the hosts decided to give Alexcy the ax, or the bullet in this case. He and Geovannie's death scene ended with Alexcy's character lying on a bed, apparently shot to death with no wound of any kind. (I was amused by the scene's start: Geovannie walks in to find the other man lying in a robe, taunting him with the line "If you come close, you can probably still smell her perfume on me." Mmm... hot.) Next week looks like more of Vinci being a primadonna (how butch) and, hopefully, loads more shirtlessness from all the guys. I can hardly wait.

Cheesetastic!

This past weekend my roommates and I caught the premiere of VH1's new reality show, Viva Hollywood. Now, usually I avoid this sort of fluff, but every once in a while I get sucked in by a particularly cheesy property, and Viva certainly fits the bill. Advertising itself as "the search for America's numero uno telenovela star" (this kind of Spanglish is common on the series), Viva follows a group of aspiring actors as they compete for an agent, contract, and role on a Telemundo soap opera. The hosts are all Latin celebrities whose backgrounds are carefully explained for gringo viewers. Hostess and judge Maria Conchita Alonso elicited screams of excitement from the cast members, including Vinci, who revealed that she was part of his "first sexual experience... you know, watching television... by myself." (Speaking of sexual confessions, fellow contestant Berto claims to have lost his virginity at the beyond-tender age of 9. Perhaps he'd already developed his killer physique back then?) Handsome Carlos Ponce serves as co-host, with weirdly androgynous "astrologer to the stars" Walter Mercado (who looks like some sort of '60s Batman villain) popping up to narrate the 7 Deadly Sins of Telenovelas. In the first episode, the contestants train in stage combat and pair up for a series of scenes, all involving Sin #1: "Pa-see-own!" (That's "passion" for all you honkies keeping track at home.) Naturally, the group also takes time to bond in the swimming pool, showing off their buff bods. (Except for Jainmy, the self-righteous, full-figured gal who pulls off the neat trick of alienating everyone within the first episode.) After the scenes are reviewed-- ranging from the humdrum to the hilariously melodramatic (water in the face!)-- the judges assess everyone's performance and single Janet out as the weakest. The hosts explain that the cast will have to select one of their own to face her in the "duel" that will determine who stays and who goes. Here's where it somehow, miraculously and impossibly, gets even cheesier. The contestants are given La Muerte cards (that means "Death!" folks) to cast for the one they want to see go, then sent one at a time to the "Chapel-- a sacred place!" There, surrounded by candles, they make their choices and gravely ask for "forgiveness." This last bit rings false for all of them, none more so than Jainmy and her arch nemesis Gisel, who vote for each other but claim to be ever-so-sorry about it. Earlier the pair got into a heated fight, and we all know that's reality show catnip. Gisel's already emerged as the villain, and though it's Jainmy and not her who gets the most votes, Maria worns her that she received quite a few of her own: "Watch your back." (Bwah ha ha!) In the duel, Janet and Jainmy plead their case before the judges while their fellow cast-mates look on from above; they both burst into tears when made to face each other. After some deliberation (and plenty of booze; my God, they drink a lot on this show), the judges call everyone back for a pre-taped death scene-- "The Massacre of the Masks," featuring the two actresses in a so-fake-it's-brilliant tumble down the stairs. In the end, only Janet gets up, and Maria consoles dejected Jainmy with some Spanish murmurings. (The producers thoughtfully provide subtitles.) Meanwhile, Roseny wins the challenge and gets a makeover followed by dinner with a famous Latina actress whose name escapes me. (Though again, the creators assure us she's really big.) According to Carlos, her stylist has worked "with everyone from J.Lo to Salma Hayek!" (reflecting the broad assortment of notable Latina actresses working today). Gussied up in a radiant red dress, Roseny meets her famous date. Now, I may not know who this woman is, but I feel sorry for anyone who agrees to dinner with a reality show contestant only to be repeatedly insulted. Roseny asks her if things are tough now that she's "older" and says, "Well, at least you have good teeth" before seeking her advice. (Mine would probably have been something like: if you win immunity on a reality show, don't press your luck by pissing off the established star.) The show is silly and overblown, and virtually everyone on it is self-deluded and immature. And I know I won't miss a single episode. (If you want to catch the premiere yourself, visit VH1 for the schedule, as it is scheduled to repeat approximately four billion times before the next ep airs on Sunday.)