More old nightmares: The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror!

At a time when too few television shows seem to bother with Halloween episodes anymore, The Simpsons long-running "Treehouse of Horror" anthologies are like a jack-'o-lantern beacon to all us Halloween nerds. While recent years' entries haven't been as strong (much like the show itself), I love revisiting the old classics. Some of my favorite segments...
"Lisa's Nightmare"/"Bart's Nightmare"(1991)--The second Halloween episode is centered around candy-induced nightmares had by all three family members (in Homer's, Mr. Burns harvests his brain for a worker robot who, natch, is extremely lazy); the first two are the best, with Lisa's involving a fabled monkey's paw: "I must warn you it carries a terrible curse; I myself was once president of Algeria" the middle-eastern shopkeeper warns, to which Homer replies, "I don't wanna hear your life story-- PAW ME!" The family's wishes lead to riches, world peace, and, inevitably, ruin, as Treehouse stalwarts Kang and Kodos arrive from outer space to enslave the newly docile planet. (The comic ET's have had at least a cameo in every Halloween special since the beginning.) Bart imagines himself into a pitch perfect parody of "The Twilight Zone" classic "It's a Good Life," in which little Bill Mummy had an entire town under his psychic thrall. Here, Bart uses his powers to turn Homer into a jack-in-the-box (a direct lift from the original), but also to play pranks like having Moe tell his bar "I'm a big stupid guy with a big butt, and my butt smells, and sometimes I like to kiss my own BUTT! Hey, wait a minute..."
"The Devil and Homer Simpson"/"Terror at 5&1/2 Feet"/"Bart Simpson's Dracula"(1993)--The first is a brilliant vignette in which Homer sells his soul to the Devil, who turns out to be none other than-- hi diddly ho!--Ned Flanders. Like the best "Simpsons," this is filled with tiny details and moments that are utterly hilarious... like Blackbeard the Pirate objecting to the high chair Marge gives him when he serves on Homer's "Jury of the Damned": "Aye! This chair be high, says I!" Meanwhile, "Terror" spoofs another classic "Twilight Zone" ep, with Bart subbing for William Shatner as the passenger (on a schoolbus, natch) who sees a gremlin no one else does. In "Dracula," the crew takes on Francis Ford Coppola's stylized adaptation in typically irreverent fashion (Homer to Bart: "His hairdo looks so queer"). It all ends with a musical homage to-- apropos of nothing-- "A Charlie Brown Christmas."
"The Shinning"/"Time and Punishment"/"Nightmare Cafeteria"(1994)--This entire episode is brilliant, from the pitch perfect "Shining" spoof to Homer's misbegotten romp through time (which keeps changing the future) and the grisly "Cafeteria," in which the staff of Springfield Elementary casually embrace cannibalism. Though funny, the second two segments contain some of the most disturbing material I've ever seen on network television, including lobotomies, the bloodthirsty teachers, and a sick finale in which the whole family's skin turns inside out... and they break into song.
"The Thing and I"/"Citizen Kang"(1996)--In an inventively disturbing segment, Bart and Lisa discover they have another sibling... Bart's "evil" former siamese twin, Hugo, who's been living in the attic and subsisting on a diet of fish heads. The bizarre tale is highlighted by a slew of priceless one-liners, like "A routine soul smear confirmed the presence of pure evil." "Kang" gives starring roles to the aliens, who take on the identities of Bill Clinton and Bob Dole before the '96 election. It's a testament to the show's brilliance that this political lark feels fresh and funny rather than dated.
"It's the Grand Pumpkin, Milhouse" (2008)--While later Treehouse of Horror entries have been a letdown, I have to mention this inspired send-up of the ultimate Halloween special, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." Everything about "Peanuts," from the dancing to the nonsense talking grownups, is spoofed, while in this version, of course, the "Grand Pumpkin" actually shows up... and he's pissed!

Old Nightmares

So when was my last post, 1982? Well, this being October, I am getting into the Halloween spirit and thought it'd be fun to do a rundown of some of my favorite seasonal movies, TV, etc. I'll start with Wes Craven's New Nightmare, the end credits of which are unspooling as I type this. It's not a Halloween movie per se, but I'll always associate it with the holiday because a.) it was released in October and b.) I bought the *novelization* at Spag's, the awesomely kitschy Worcester department store, on one of my family's annual "fall rides." See every year we'd take a daytrip to see the fall foliage (my dad goes nuts for that, as well he should) and wind up at the Halloween Outlet, an amazing store packed to the gills with costumes, props, and just about anything else a horror-obsessed kid like me could want. (They used to display those giant animatronic props, like the crazy electric chair that would go off every ten minutes or so, stopping everyone in dead silence while the dummy writhed in mock agony and smoke plumed outward. Rock on.) On one of these rides, circa 1994, we stopped by Spag's and I picked up the New Nightmare paperback. I was psyched about the movie, though we ironically didn't get around to it until the video release. (Lest you think my parents wouldn't let me see an R-rated horror flick in theaters, I was corrupted at a pretty young age by my dad, who showed me the likes of "Halloween" and "Evil Dead 2" when I was, I dunno, 9? "New Nightmare" is something we totally would've seen at an after school matinee. Why we didn't is a mystery.) It was a typical novelization, I guess, but I liked the meta movie-within-a-movie storyline and the cheesy interludes supposedly detailing the author's own close encounters with Freddy. Plus there were 8 pages of rad black and white photos. So before long I'd read and re-read it umpteen times and was running around pretending I was Heather Langenkamp, wearing her hot skirt and blazer combo and making important Hollywood phone calls on my remote control, er, cell phone. (And yet my parents *never suspected* I was gay? Talk about mysteries.) So when I finally saw the sucker, I already knew everything that was going to happen but loved it anyway. There's so much cheese in New Nightmare-- Langenkamp's melodramatic performance, the stereotypical villainous doctor out to prove that horror movies ruin young minds, dialogue like "Everything is NOT FINE!" to name a few. There are numerous gaps in logic, like the relentlessly unprofessional staff at the hospital (prone to stage whispering and grimly pantomiming about a patient whose mother is IN THE ROOM). But damnit if it doesn't work like gangbusters. The premise was so different at the time-- sort of "The Player" meets "Nightmare on Elm Street," with Freddy spilling out into the lives of the movies' cast and crew (Wes Craven even plays himself near the end)-- and there was some awesomely over-the-top imagery, starting with a cooly redesigned Krueger. For the first time in a "Nightmare" movie, an actual kid was a central character (Heather's on-screen son Dylan, played by Miko Hughes of "Pet Sematary" fame), which allowed for all sorts of connections with Grimm's Fairy Tales and parental fears of death and screwing up your kid. It's just a fun, fast-paced, visually striking movie (the freeway sequence is a stunner), and I still watch it about once a year. "Nightmare 1" is the original, and "Dream Warriors" is probably the best (major soft spot for that one, too), but "New Nightmare" will always be my sentimental favorite.

H2 One Sheet released

8 Summer Movies I'm Psyched For

It seems like every year the "summer movie previews" arrive earlier and earlier, now that the entire month of May is considered fair game for big movies. I figured I'd throw my hat into the ring with a look at eight movies that I'm personally excited about. It looks to be a diverse season for the discriminating moviegoer: sure, there are plenty of sequels and spin-offs (some of which made this list), but there are also comedies, dramas, and a couple of horror flicks that look especially creepy. Here they are in order of release.
Terminator: Salvation-- The film shoot that launched a thousand internet views-- and even a dance remix-- wasn't just about Christian Bale's fiery temper. It was about reviving one of the signature action franchises of the 90s with a look at the story fans have been dying for: the War Against the Machines. I'm not a huge fan of McG's movies, but Bale is a terrific actor who should excel as the heroic John Connor, and this looks to be one of the summer's real stunners. (May 21)
Drag Me to Hell-- Horror legend Sam Raimi returns to the genre (after a vacation spent making a little series called Spider-man) with this flashy and fun looking yarn. A hapless real estate clerk (Alison Lohman) denies a gypsy a mortgage extension (timely much?) and falls victim to a horrifying curse. Demons, a seance, and plenty of gonzo gross-outs ensue, with Raimi up to his old Evil Dead-era tricks. Sign me up! (May 29)
Bruno-- Sacha Baron Cohen is at it again with a punk-happy "reality" followup to his smash hit "Borat." Cohen is a truly brilliant comedian and I can't wait to see what sorts of irreverent, idiot exposing shenanigans he gets up to this time. (Especially with all the gayness of Cohen's last film amped up for the super queer Bruno character.) One highlight from the trailer: Bruno shows off his newly adopted African baby, which he's naming "OJ," to a horrified black talk show audience. (July 10)
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince-- Finally! After being denied it last winter, Potter geeks can finally watch the latest spectacular installment, which delves even deeper into the origins of the sinister Lord Voldemort (played by Ralph Fiennes' nephew Hero Fiennes-Tiffin). Expect action, hormonal intrigue (Hermione gets a little too jealous of Ron's new girlfriend) and-- spoiler alert!-- a big death. Take that, Twilight. (July 17)
Julie & Julia-- The next Devil Wears Prada? That might be a stretch, but this classy looking comedy from Nora Ephron does feature the Mighty Meryl-- as cooking legend Julia Child-- and the always vibrant Amy Adams as the frustrated secretary attempting to make all 524 recipes in Child's seminal "Mastering the Art of French Cooking." A frazzled young professional gasping to keep up with an old pro? Sounds a lot less bitchy than Prada, but potentially just as much fun. (August 7)
Taking Woodstock-- How is it that a Chinese director has managed time and again to dramatize such powerfully American stories? From 1970s Connecticut to 1960s Wyoming, the Oscar winning auteur has consistently captured the private dramas of ordinary Americans-- and now he sets his sites on the concert that defined a generation. The movie focuses on a closeted gay man who inadvertently organizes the titular music festival. Along for the ride are the always reliable Eugene Levy (as farmer Max Yasgur) and Emile Hirsch (who some of you may know is my long term boyfriend. Seriously). (August 14)
Inglourious Basterds-- After directing the "Deathproof" half of the criminally under-seen "Grindhouse," Quentin Tarantino returns with this bloody, adrenaline charged WWII tale about a band of Jewish soldiers charged with terrorizing and scalping Nazis. With Brad Pitt as a crazed Southern general and torture porn auteur Eli Roth as a fellow scalper, this should be an entertaining antidote to the usual Oscar-begging war epics. (August 21)
H2-- Rob Zombie once again heralds the end of summer with the sequel to his grisly 2007 remake of Halloween. This time, the splat pack savant has free reign to take the story in outlandish new directions, with Laurie (Scout Taylor-Compton) descending into madness and horror host Uncle Seymour (Bill Mosely) hosting a Halloween festival that's about to be visited by the still murderous Michael Myers (Tyler Mane). Plus there's Margot Kidder as a shrink and Weird Al(!) as himself for good measure! This sure-to-be-brutal followup should ease the transition from summer to fall... again. (August 28)

An early look at H2

So as a Halloween fan, I had mixed feelings about Dimension's "H2"-- until it was announced that Rob Zombie would be returning to direct. Free from the constraints of an existing movie-- sorry for those who were hoping for a remake of the dimly lit hospital opus "Halloween II" (1981)-- Zombie looks like he's really going crazy in his usual manner. Early reports and pics from the set have included elaborate Halloween decorations (i.e. a giant jack-'o-lantern house) and quirky characters like Zombie stalwart Bill Mosely as TV horror host "Uncle Seymour Coffins." Now, the director's posted an image of the adorable Scout Taylor Compton on set as Laurie Strode. Laurie's said to be wilder and more damaged in this film-- think good girl gone waaay bad-- and this sexy, compelling pic hammers that home. (Note the Alice Cooper poster in the background-- yep, we're in Rob Zombie territory alright!) Looks promising; the movie opens August 29th.

30 Years of Memories

I'm addicted to Halloween-- the holiday and the movie, a seminal horror classic that spawned seven sequels and a remake (and sparked my love affair with Jamie Lee Curtis). So it should come as no surprise that when I heard about a 30 Years of Terror convention marking the three decades since the original film's release, I was determined to go and experience it for myself. My best friend Ashley gamely accompanied me to this geek-fest, which took place primarily in Pasadena, CA. (This area stood in for Michael Myers' slashing grounds of Haddonfield, IL in the first two films and in last year's remake.) On Friday the 31st (Halloween) we took a 6 hour (!) bus tour covering locations from various "Halloween" films and other horror classics; on Saturday we went to the convention center to meet cast and crew from all 9 films. While Friday's tour was something of a debacle (originally they weren't going to break for "lunch" until 6pm, and was it really a good idea to schlepp out to Hollywood at day's end-- perilously close to rush hour?), Saturday was a pure delight.
The stops on Friday included...
The Myers House (from Halloween, henceforth "H1," and Halloween II, henceforth "H2"; you get the idea). It's been repainted blue (really quite nice looking) and moved up the street from the original location. Our tour guide thought we could take pictures on the porch, but apparently she'd been misinformed as an angry employee came out and started yelling at us. Some things are more scary than Michael Myers! Nearby was Nichol's Hardware Store from H1, which is a Pasadena landmark.
The alley and Mrs. Ellrod's house from H2. I'm glad I'm tall as I was able to see over the fence and look at the window where Michael peered in at Mrs. Ellrod.
The street where Laurie and Tommy took their walk-- and where the ill-fated Ben Tramer (mistaken for Myers and hit by a car) burned to death. In typical fashion, Ashley announced that she was going to "reenact" the burning and started waving her hands around and going "Woosh!" I don't think I'll ever watch that scene the same way again.
Michael's elementary school and Haddonfield High from the remake, which are actually right across the street from each other. Pasadena in general is a beautiful town. Ashley kept talking about how she wanted to live there someday.
Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis)'s house. It still looks the same and the owners even provided us with pumpkins for photo ops. I loved sitting in the same spot as Jamie Lee.
The Strode and Myers houses from the remake. The new Myers house was also Angela's house on My So Called Life.
The cemetery from H1. I heard some fan reciting the groundskeeper's lines word for word, which was funny.
Sierra Madre, where scenes from H2 and H3 were filmed. We saw the Buccaneer bar from III as well as the storefront where the annoying Silver Shamrock mask commercials played in the movie. (It's now a Domino's.) The highlight of this spot by far was watching Dick Warlock and his son Lance reenact the "Boom Box Boy" scene in H2. (In the film, Warlock's Michael Myers bumps into a boy carrying a boom box, played by his son in an in-joke cameo.) Everyone laughed as Dick walked forward in that very purposeful Myers way. Lance kept bumping into cars on his way over to Dick and joked, "It was the 70s, there were no cars back then!" It was also funny to watch confused locals wondering why a crowd was filming an old man bumping into someone and walking.
The Doyle and Wallace houses from H1 and 2. The Wallace house looks totally different, but the Doyle house is instantly recognizable for its front landing. Ashley got me to say "The keys, oh, the keys!" and dig in my jeans while she took pictures. (She's heard me imitate Jamie Lee's frantic squealing in H1 for years.)
On Saturday was the convention itself, where we met...
Dee Wallace from the remake, "ET," "The Howling" etc. She was very nice. You had to buy one thing to get a photo with her and when I told her I was getting the Frighteners trading cards ($5) she said, "Good choice, a low cost item and you still get what you want!" She joked to Ashley that she should marry me and Ashley replied, "He doesn't like girls." "I like girls," I protested. "I can, um, go both ways." "Aww, a switch hitter!" Dee laughed. It's not every day that Dee Wallace comments on your sexual orientation, but there you have it.
Scout Taylor Compton, the new Laurie. Ashley had just bought the hoodie she wears in the movie, so she complimented her on that. She was so unbelievably nice and took pictures with us and signed my soundtrack, all for free. Just a really great girl. Her Gothy looking boyfriend was there with her, which was cute.
The security guard from Halloween II. He wasn't very talkative, and unfortunately he hasn't gotten any thinner! But everyone else from that film was super nice. Gloria Gifford, Mrs. Alves, was really sweet. We joked with her about how Haddonfield Memorial is America's worst hopsital. Ashley and I explained our feelings about the "forgotten children" when we watched the movie a couple nights earlier. "It was an abandoned hospital offscreen," she said, and I cracked, "It was an abandoned hopsital onscreen." Good point," Gloria said. She also signed a "Haddonfield Memorial Hospital prescription" for me and wrote "Time's up" (one of her lines in the film) on it. Tawny Moyer, Nurse Jill, was nice, and explained how they did the famous "knife raising" scene, in which Michael stabs her in the back and lifts her up and off her feet. There were wires attached to her and crew working a pulley to lift her up just offscreen. Finally, Leo Rossi, Bud, was a very nice guy, and his wife was sweet, too. I know I shouldn't be surprised when people are different from the characters they play, but it still struck me how the guy who played the horndog douche bag in H2 was such a standup guy in reality! (Funnily enough, at one point on the bus tour they played Bud's dirty rendition of "Amazing Grace" from the movie: "Amazing Grace, come sit on my face / Don't make me cry, I need your pie.")
Lew Temple from "Halloween" 2007 and "The Devil's Rejects." One of the things I loved about this convention was how people I wasn't necessarily dying to see turned out to be some of the greatest and most fun. Earlier we met Tom Towles, the sherrif from "House of 1000 Corpses" and one of the cops in "Halloween" '07, who was also quite pleasant. Lew had a cowboy hat on and chatted us up about random stuff. Ashley's friend actually directed a short film that Lew had seen, because he's friends with its star Brian Austin Green. He also talked to us about the "Banjo and Sullivan" CD that came out for "Rejects" and how Fatboy Slim remixed a song for European clubs(!) He signed my "Halloween" soundtrack with his asshole character's line "I wouldn't want to bum the freak out." (Ironically, Temple appeared in a rape scene that was cut from the theatrical version of the movie. When I got the "unrated" DVD, I found the sequence so disturbing and repulsive that I traded it in for the original cut.)
Jenny Greg Stewart, the new Lindsay. She was so cute and, not surprisingly, so little! She told us her mom only let her watch the scenes that she was in. When Tyler Mane first did a scene with her and Tommy, they didn't recognize him, but he took off the mask and then they did. I asked her if it was true that she was genuinely scared in the first scene with Michael, and she said yes, but in later scenes when crew checked to see if she was "okay," she told them, in a very adult voice, "Guys, I'm just acting." (This is why I love kids.)
We sort of tried to talk to Daeg Faerch (young Michael in the remake), but he was really quiet and barely looked up from the phone he was playing with. We ended up just talking to his (vaguely creepy) stage mom. We did see him later talking to Kristina Klebe (new Linda). She said, "You've gotten so big!" It was cute.
I only met Danielle Harris (from H4, H5, and the remake) for a second, on her way out. I didn't actually think she seemed all that friendly, but then again I sort of caught her at a bad time. In any case, Scout was by far my favorite of the "new" Halloween girls.
John Graham (Bob in H1), who's actually gay. I told him I knew one of his friends back in NYC, who was amused when I said, "You know John Michael Graham??" "Well, that's how you knew my name," John laughed. He had the original glasses from Halloween with him and let me put them on for a photo, which was great. I told him how, when I saw the Halloween re-release a couple years ago, some queeny guy shouted, "Take the glasses off!" He thought that was funny.
Alan Howarth (who collaborated with John Carpenter on scores for the first three Halloweens and did his own for parts 4 and 5) was fun to talk to, and was sitting with his gorgeous model/actress daughter. Howarth told me that they were instructed to set the Halloween III jingle to "London Bridge" because it was copyright free. He also said that the music for H2 was all laid over an original tape of the Halloween score, which made sense to me as that soundtrack plays like an 80s remix of the first one. We later saw Howarth perform some Halloween music live, which was kinda neat-- he had a keyboard, synthesizer, and a Mac onstage with him. Tommy Wallace (who worked on the first two films and directed the third) was very nice, and seemed pleased when I told him H3 is actually my friend Roman's favorite film in the series, and that I rather like it, too! Ashley told him that his TV movie It scared her so much she had to sleep in her parents' bed-- at age 13!
We also talked with Nancy Loomis, who I'd met a couple years before at a convention in Worcester. We'd talked about teaching, so I asked her about that again. She's now interested in studying to direct theater professionally, and continues to sculpt.
William Forsythe was a cool guy; Ashley actually thought he was flirting with her a bit and got that vibe from some of the other actors, who were probably happy to see a cute blonde girl at the convention! I told Forsythe he was great in Devil's Rejects and asked him if it was true he got hurt just before filming the Halloween remake. He said it was already in the script that he'd have a cast on his arm, but he broke his leg and had to ask for a leg cast to wear, too. "I think it worked for the character," he explained, "because then he was really like a cockroach." "The ultimate mooch," I agreed.
The very last person we met was Leslie Easterbrook, who played one of the cops in Halloween '07, Mother Firefly in The Devil's Rejects, and starred in the Police Academy movies. She looked good; she seems to have slimmed down a lot since Rejects. I caught her by the elevators and introduced myself; she was very warm. She asked me where I was from and asked how the bus tour was. "Honestly, it was kind of a debacle," I said (it really was, I just left out the boring details and concentrated on the locations for you guys). Ashley was next to me and agreed. "They weren't even planning to give us a lunch break originally," she said. "You two are the first ones to be honest about that," she said. "Must be 'cause you're from New York!" As we left the convention center, I saw her sitting with fans smoking a cigarette. It was such a funny image I wish I'd snapped a picture. Overall, the convention was a very cool chance to see the sites of Halloween and meet the people involved-- almost all of whom were extremely personable.

Love and Death

Every once in a while I have one of those moments in which I stop in the middle of it and think, Wow, my life is actually pretty cool. Sunday night was no exception. I went to Piano's in the East Village-- the bar that is supposedly emerging as "the next CBGB's," for Zombie-A-Go-Go, a horror-themed party. I had been introduced to the co-organizer, Roman, through my friend (and sometime love interest) Jesse, and I had profiled him and his party partner Josh for Next Magazine. I knew the event would be right up my alley; as a confirmed horror junkie, I was sure to enjoy the makeup, movie clips, and spooky ambience. When I arrived at the bar I was whisked upstairs by Roman. The space had been transformed with cobwebs and "blood"-spattered sheets, while makeup artists and face painters set up stations and a guest DJ played hipster music. A T-shirt designer was also there with his gothic designs. Roman and Josh were wearing grey schoolboy uniforms and pale makeup; I had worn my shirt from Eli Roth's "Thanksgiving" trailer for the occasion. I was soon joined by Jesse and his friend Harold. Harold is a really sweet, funny guy, even if he is, in Jesse's words, "more man-hungry than a cannibal." Jesse and I have had kind of an on-again, off-again thing ever since we reconnected at a Christmas party last year; we'd worked together at Williams-Sonoma back in my first fall in the city, and I'd harbored a crush on him then, but it was at that memorable party in Brooklyn that it came to fruition. In fact, Jesse, Harold, and I all piled into the same bed that night, which was very funny. (No, there was no torrid threesome; what do you think this is, Erik Rhodes' blog?) Jesse and I began dating and actually had an extremely romantic Valentine's Day together: we're talking a picnic in Central Park, Wayne Newton music, chocolate-covered strawberries, the whole nine yards. But right after that Jesse got very gun-shy about commitment and we actually didn't talk for several months. We had been messaging in advance of Roman's party, though, and I was really looking forward to seeing him again. When I saw him-- he gave me a big hug-- the chemistry was definitely still apparent. He got touchy-feely and affectionate with me. I texted my friend Patrick, who wrote back, "Be careful. Don't get hurt again." I certainly didn't want to, but I couldn't deny that seeing Jesse made me happy. Both of us got makeup done, becoming the zombies you see above; Jesse went a step further and got some ghastly Kabuki makeup applied over his already frightening living dead face. We took a series of pictures together and started fake biting each other. It reminded me of a story from one of my Emerson workshops in which flesh-eating zombies made an apt metaphor for sexual desire. Later on, we sat down on a couch together and he told me he was very out of sorts these days; he alluded to "family stuff," and I knew that he was on anti-depressants. "Are you telling me to stay away from you?" I asked. "No," he answered. "But you're a really cool person. You're awesome. I think you deserve better than me." "I probably do," I said, half-jokingly. "But what makes you so sure I won't understand what you're going through? You should try me sometime. I'm a really good listener." Appropriately, I thought of a horror movie scene right then. In Halloween: H20, Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) has a conversation with her boyfriend about the trauma she's been through in the past. Will tells her just what I did, that he's a really good listener. Laurie smiles. "Maybe," she answers. "Someday. In front of a roaring fire." That was always an issue with Jesse and I: he wouldn't open up. It was hard for us to achieve real intimacy because he seemed afraid to let me in, to take that next step. After that we didn't really address the issue again, but as we said goodbye, out on the street, I told him we should get together this week. We kissed, two zombies making out in the dark, and then I waved and set off for the train.

The ends [*Spoiler alert*]

Last night Patrick and I watched The Mist, the Frank Darabont-directed adaptation of Stephen King's novella. (Photo above.) The ending-- spoiler alert here, so stop reading if you plan on checking out the film-- is unbelievably bleak. As in horribly, I-need-a-hug bleak. The movie follows a group of characters trapped in a supermarket when a mysterious mist filled with ghastly monsters invades their town. After spending the entire film trapped inside with the other squabbling townsfolk, five characters decide to make an escape attempt in a van parked outside. They eventually run out of fuel, and-- still surrounded by the mist, and having just witnessed a beast the size of a whale lumbering past-- decide to end their lives rather than be devoured by the monsters. (It's not exactly the feel-good movie of the year.) Their gun only has four bullets left, so David (Thomas Jane) takes it upon himself to shoot and kill his own son and the three other "survivors." Anguished and desperate, he gets out of the car and screams for the creatures to come get him. But what should emerge from the mist? A tank, followed by a convoy full of survivors. The military has overtaken the mist and its freakish inhabitants; David killed three friends and his own child moments before they all would have been rescued. He collapses to his knees and screams in agony. It's a gutsy ending to be sure, and one that packs an enormous and deeply disturbing emotional punch. The conclusion-- which was dreamed up by Darabont but approved by the somewhat more hopeful King-- got me thinking about some other less-than-happy endings over the years. While I'm hard-pressed to think of one as utterly bleak and nihilistic as The Mist's, a few similarly downbeat denouements do spring to mind. In making this list, I stayed away from "twist" endings in the vein of he's-really-dead! or the-Apes-took-over-America!; rather, I tried to think of films that end badly for their characters in a more straightforward way. (Alhough there is the occasional ironic twist in the selection that follows.) In the last minutes of George Romero's classic Night of the Living Dead (1968), the lone survivor, Ben (Duane Jones) is mistaken for a zombie, shot, and killed. (See above.) It's a heartbreaking but fitting coda to a film that emphasizes humanity's inability to work together for its own survival and benefit. The zombie genre that Romero more or less created with his film tends to produce films with dour conclusions: witness the closing credit footage implying that none of the survivors will live in the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead, or the rage zombies storming Paris at the close of last year's 28 Weeks Later. (Right before we see them racing towards the Eiffel Tower, an ominous shot of a crashed helicopter strongly implies that the two children we've been following for most of the film perished-- along with every other character.) Horror master John Carpenter was admittedly influenced by Romero, and he has a knack for endings that are dubious at best and hopeless at worst. His breakthrough classic Halloween (1978) leaves us with an unstoppable bogeyman still on the loose and a hapless doctor who seems to have known he'd get away all along. Carpenter's remake of The Thing (1982) ends in particularly dismal fashion: Kurt Russell's hero MacReady has managed to slay the monster but will surely freeze to death once the fire dies out at an isolated research station. (Appropriately enough, the key art for that film appears in The Mist; it's probably a nod to Carpenter and his similar movie The Fog.) The director's 1994 chiller In the Mouth of Madness gives us a meta-mind fuck ending that's in keeping with the rest of the film. Sam Neill's John Trent stumbles out of a mental hospital to find a deserted world, seemingly decimated by the supernatural forces of sinister author Sutter Cane. He enters a movie theater where In the Mouth of Madness is playing: it is, of course, a recap of the harrowing narrative he's just lived through, and as Trent watches he begins to laugh hysterically and go completely out of his mind. More recently, Neil Marshall's excellent The Descent (2006) had an uncompromisingly grim ending, but only in its native UK: the lone survivor thinks she's escaped from a cave where monsters have killed all of her friends, but in reality she's still back inside, hallucinating a happy ending. The American release opted for a lame gotcha!-scare that still allowed the heroine to make it out alive. Clearly, Hollywood executives aren't comfortable with truly bad endings; Darabont reportedly had it in his contract that Dimension wasn't allowed to change The Mist's ending in any way. Marshall's original coda echoes that of An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge, a short film that ran as The Twilight Zone's final episode in 1964. The film follows a convicted man who miraculously breaks loose when he is hanged and makes it back to his loved ones. In the last moment, the viewer sees that he never escaped at all and has in fact imagined the entire preceding narrative in the instant before he is put to death. While horror has produced many of modern film's bleakest endings, there are, of course, exceptions to this. Darren Aronofsky's Requiem for a Dream (2000) ranks as one of the most horrifying films I've ever seen, and its final moments depict what is unquestionably hell on earth. The saga of drug addiction closes with nightmarish fates for every single character. Ellen Burstyn's Sara has been commited to a mental institution after losing her mind to over-medication; her son, Harry (Jared Leto) is imprisoned and has lost his arm to a grotesque infection; and Harry's girlfriend, Marion (Jennifer Connelly) has been forced into demeaning prostitution to pay off her drug debts, made to perform sex acts while a crowd of jeering men watch and taunt. (You might think this last bit could be kinky-sexy. Trust me, it's not.) These endings get under the viewer's skin precisely because they offer no happy outcomes or tidy resolution; in their unrelenting bleakness, they suggest that sometimes life is brutal and hopeless, and safety and solace aren't always attainable. While I wouldn't want to spend all my time watching films like these, I respect them and their fearlessness in telling honest and frank stories. At its best, film can be provocative and thought-provoking, and the filmmakers above and those like them are committed to that standard.